Jake & Olivia

brother & sister, and more importantly - best friends

All bundled up and ready to go play outside!

Why walk when you have a big brother to carry you around?


Snuggle time!


Jake is sweet enough to drive Olivia anywhere she wants to go!

Olivia's 1st mud riding adventure!

I decided it was time to introduce Olivia to one of my favorite pasttimes - mud riding! We were actually on Jake's fourwheeler, while he and Mike were on Olivia's. The four of us went riding the other day and I found a huge mudhole on the pipeline in the woods out behind our house. Mike and I are both adventurous in different ways. He drives fast and takes curves on two wheels while I prefer to fly through mud, spinning tires and covering everything in mud. I'm very happy to report that Miss Olivia also seems to have her Mommy's affection for mud riding. She loved it! She's so funny though when she has mud on her hands. When we got off the four wheeler, she just held them out in front of her like she didn't know what to do with them. I'm sure by summer she'll be out in the yard making mud pies just like I was doing at her age.

Daddy reading 'The Pokey Little Puppy' to Jake and Olivia

Have I ever mentioned that I have the most wonderful husband in the world? I'm sure I have, but if not, let me take this opportunity to say just that. Jake, Olivia and I are SO LUCKY because Mike preaches on Sundays and works in his taxidermy studio the rest of the week. His shop is next to our home, so we get to see Daddy whenever we want! He has breakfast, lunch and supper with us and often comes in just to visit. Jake is able to go out and help him at work and if we ever have somewhere we need to go, there's no issue with asking for a day off. He's his own boss! (Ok, in all honestly, we know who the real boss is. Wink wink.) People often ask how Olivia is with Mike. Except for bedtime, she's just as happy with her Daddy as she is with me. She and Jake both still want their Mommy to tuck them in though. Jake and Olivia adore their Daddy, just like I do. I think they are incredibly lucky children to have such an amazing father. I know I'm certainly lucky to have him as my husband and best friend. Incidentally, in the picture Mike is reading 'The Pokey Little Puppy' to the kids and that was his favorite book as a child. I LOVE it when Mike reads this book to them, because he looks SO cute when he says, "I smell something." He says it like summfin. I know this sounds ridiculous, but if you know him, you know what a goofball Mike is and it's just so adorable when he says summfin. I'm so head over heels in love with him, everything he does is wonderful to me. Five years later and I still get butterflies everytime he walks through the front door. I am blessed!

Is this not the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen!?!?! Even with spaghetti sauce on her face and shirt, she is still absolutely breathtaking! I am blessed to look at her all day long, yet I continue to be amazed at how beautiful she is. I'm surprised we even have to have electricity at our house. I would think she and Jake could light the world with their gorgeous smiles. The neat thing about my children is that they aren't just beautiful on the outside. They are both so sweet and funny. They can both make me laugh no matter what my mood is. It's hard not to smile when you have such beautiful smiles in front of you! Even with the heartache in our family, our children keep us smiling. I don't know how we ever lived without them.

Livi's 1st play date!

Emma, Miley, Olivia & Olivia

Olivia had her very first playdate yesterday! Poor Jake was overtaken by girls! Our wonderful social worker, Kimberly, came down yesterday for our first post-placement visit and I was tickled that she let her daughter, also named Olivia, skip a day of kindergarten just to come meet my Olivia! Our friend Michelle, who was with our group in Vietnam, also came down to visit and brought her newly adopted daughter, Miley and Miley's big sister, Emma. Olivia of course spent a good bit of time with Miley while we were travelling in Vietnam with her family, but she had never met the "other" Olivia before. The weird thing was that as soon as she saw Olivia, she ran right to her and gave her a huge hug! You would think she had just seen her long lost best friend! I can't wait to see how she reacts when she sees Kennedy again who she grew up with. By the way, if all goes well Miss Kennedy will be flying home tomorrow and she'll be an American girl on Saturday! Please say a prayer for them! We loved having Olivia, Miley and Emma down for a visit. I wish that all of our Vietnamese friends didn't live so far away!

I wanted to share a few of my favorite pictures of Daddy Don throughout the 5 years I was fortunate enough to be his daughter. Mine and Mike's 5th wedding anniversary was January 12th. It was going to be the first time we left Olivia with JuJu & Daddy Don since we got home from Vietnam. They were going to keep her and Jake while we went out to dinner. They were definitely looking forward to it. None of us ever dreamed how we would end up spending that day. I hope you enjoy getting a glimpse of the life he lived.

This is the entire Munn family except for Olivia! From left: JuJu, Daddy Don, Rhonda, Mike, Jake, Me, Joyce (JuJu's sister), Emma, Lance and Amy. This picture was taken in 2005.

This is one of my very favorite pictures. This is me and Daddy Don when Jake was about 5 weeks old. Papaw (DD's Dad) had just passed away and he was famous for pointing his finger and smiling in pictures, so Daddy Don was imitating his Dad. Those two men were amazing guys and both incredibly missed.

This is a great picture of Daddy Don doing what came naturally to him - being very silly!

This is from 2004. Mike and Daddy Don both got really good turkeys that year on the same day. Jake was VERY proud!

I love this picture of Daddy Don because it looks just like him on a regular day - sitting in his recliner.

This is a huge buck Daddy Don killed in 2004. This was one of his favorite pictures and it's also one of mine.

Here's JuJu stealing a kiss from the love of her life.

This is Daddy Don's stand on Munn Hill. Mike, DD and Jake worked very hard building it!

Daddy Don and JuJu doing one of their favorite things - spending time with Jake.

3 very silly Munn boys!

Jake flying high in the safety of Daddy Don's arms

I adore this picture! I took it in October. This was the first time Daddy Don and JuJu had seen Jake in his suit and they were super proud of him. They are a good looking bunch, aren't they!?

Here is Daddy Don with Olivia the day we got home from Vietnam. He was the first person to hold her besides us and she liked him from the very beginning. He was one of the few people besides us that she felt comfortable with. They took us to McDonald's where Daddy Don bought Olivia her very first Happy Meal. He was looking forward to taking her to The Cow for an ice cream cone, too. He and JuJu ate there all the time. It's hard for us to even drive by there now.

A picture of Daddy Don and Olivia at Jake's birthday party in December. He was so proud that he was one of the VERY few people she would let hold her. As I type this Olivia is sitting in my lap saying, "Daddy Don."

Here are some precious pictures of Jake giving kisses to his very favorite guitar player. Daddy Don even inspired me to buy my own guitar, but I'm sorry to say I haven't learned much. I hope that all of DD's grandkids choose to learn to play. He would've loved that.

I forgot to mention something very important about Daddy Don. We weren't the only ones who loved him. I have always known that he was funny, loyal, hard working, smart, and definitely charming, but I didn't know how many other people knew it too. Over 700 people - seven hundred people - came to the funeral home. They each waited in line for nearly an hour just to pay their respects. Over 92 people sent flowers. At least that many brought food and paper products. Sympathy cards are still pouring in everyday. Most days Judy gets at least 30 and we get them at our house as well as Rhonda. We were in awe of the amount of love shown for our Daddy Don. It was unbelievable. He touched so many lives and we were so blessed to be his family. We are all still just amazed at how many people cared about him. He was an awesome man. I'm really so thankful that I was his daughter. I would say daughter-in-law, but Daddy Don didn't really think like that. My brother-in-law Lance and I were no different in his eyes. Mike, Rhonda, Lance, Emma, Amy, Jake, Olivia and I were his children and we were blessed. JuJu was the most blessed of all to be the love of his life. Tomorrow is her birthday, and it will be a difficult day for her. If you think of it, say a little prayer for our Mom, JuJu.

Jake shooting Silly String at Daddy Don

Learning to breathe again

When you lose someone that is incredibly important to you, it's almost like you have to learn to breathe all over again. In those first days after they die, you just walk around in a shell of a body doing things you have to do and saying things you have to say. After a week or so, you realize that you haven't been breathing - just going through the motions of life. We're trying to learn how to breathe again here at our house and it's tough.

My Mom died in 2001 just a few weeks before my 26th birthday. She was barely 58 years old. I was absolutely, positively devastated. I had sold my house the year before and moved back in with her for several months so she and I were together every single day. She was without a doubt my very best friend in the world. She was the only person who never judged me and always loved me just the way I was. I thought I would fall off the earth when she died. I don't know how long I went around without breathing after her death, but it was a long long time. She had suffered for years with rheumatoid arthritis and had problems with blocked arteries that had required surgery once before. I nearly lost her when I was 12, again when I was 19 and then God chose to take her home when I was 25. My only consolation was that I knew she was in heaven. She was no longer suffering from the debilitating pain she had felt for so long. She would have to endure no more surgeries. She would never have to be in a wheelchair or use a cane. She was at peace with our Lord and would never hurt again. That didn't make losing her any easier, but I was grateful that she was no longer suffering.

That has been the hardest thing to deal with about Daddy Don's death. He wasn't suffering at all. He was probably one of the healthiest people I know. He spent two weeks every year climbing mountains in Colorado elk hunting and two weeks every year in Missouri hunting turkeys. He spent every day of deer season in Arkansas in the woods. Bow season starts in September, then comes muzzleloader and then rifle. He hunted them all. Turkey season starts in the spring and that was probably his favorite time of all, because he and Mike often hunted together. He spent his summers fishing on Lake Columbia, usually with JuJu reading a book alongside him. There was absolutely nothing wrong with Daddy Don. He was probably in better physical shape than most 30 year old men, much less 59 year old's. I can't say he was taken too soon, because God's timing is always perfect, but we weren't ready to let him go.

Last Wednesday, he went to work and came home like he always did. He and JuJu went over to Rhonda's house and saw her and Lance and the girls, Emma and Amy. Emma is 7 and Amy is 4. Then he and JuJu came over to our house to visit. Jake was so excited because Mike had just finished his eight point skull mount that day and hung it on the wall in Jake's room. He was so proud and couldn't wait to show Daddy Don. They played in Livi's room and she put bows in his hair. He got down on the floor and growled at Olivia and she would hide behind my legs and cackle. She loved it and he did, too. Daddy Don absolutely adored all four of his grandchildren. The funniest thing they did that day was with Jake and I'm so thankful that I took pictures and video. Santa brought him a can of Silly String in his stocking, and he brought it out while Daddy Don was sitting on the couch and showered him in Silly String. It was absolutely hysterical. He and Jake laughed and laughed. Daddy Don was one of the funniest guys in the world. We all went out so he could see the mountain goat Mike had finished that day. I went in the shop first intentionally because I wanted to be able to see Daddy Don's face when he saw it. It was priceless. He was so so proud of Mike. Mike quit his job at Albemarle in March of 2006 and everyone, especially his Dad, was nervous about it. It's scary to quit a really well paying job and start a business of your own, but Mike did it, and God has definitely blessed us. It was so neat so see Daddy Don's eyes light up everytime he saw some of Mike's work. "That's perfect!" he would say. That was definitely his trademark expression. I don't know how Mike is going to get through the coming weeks, months and years without hearing that. It's going to be so tough. He and his Dad were really great friends.

After they left here, Daddy Don and JuJu went home. He had a peanut butter sandwich, looked some stuff up on the computer, watched part of the game on the tv and fell asleep in his recliner. All normal stuff. He hadn't complained with anything and he was absolutely fine. Judy woke him up to go to bed and he sat down to turn off the computer. There is of course more to the story, but the just of it is that he had an aneurysm and was pronounced dead just a short time after that at the hospital. It all happened SO quickly. Mike, Rhonda and Judy were all at the hospital and when Mike called me so soon after he left home and told me that Daddy Don had died, all I could say was that I didn't understand. That's essentially how we all feel. We don't understand.

Daddy Don was probably as happy as he had ever been in his life. He had a wonderful, sweet wife, two successful children who are very happily married, and four grandchildren that he loved more than anything in the world. We all lived close by and saw each other often. He had started giving the devotions in church before Sunday school and was just finishing out deer season getting ready for turkey season. Life was about as good as it could get. Why God chose this time to take him home we don't know. We don't understand any of this. We love him and we miss him and right now it just seems really unfair.

So, we're learning to breathe again. It hurts to breathe and I don't know what we're going to do without him. Judy, Mike and Rhonda need your prayers so much. We all do, but especially them. Judy is much too young to lose her husband of 40 years. Mike and Rhonda still had things to learn from their Daddy. You don't even want to get me started on how much it hurts that our children won't be able to know him more, love him and learn from him. I can at least say I have no more regrets about our adoption. I am INCREDIBLY thankful that we left Jake here with Daddy Don and JuJu for the 3+ weeks we were gone. Jake spent nearly all of his time with him. Daddy Don sent me some pictures of him and Jake in the deer stand while we were in Vietnam. I wouldn't trade those weeks with them together for anything in the world. God knew what he was doing. I just couldn't see it at the time.

Thank you all so much for your prayers over the last week. Please continue to pray for us as we learn to live without the man that meant so much to all of us. I want to leave you with just a few random words and phrases that remind me of Daddy Don. I started writing them down the day after he went to heaven. If you knew him, they'll no doubt bring up a memory or two for you as well.

Dr. Pepper, cooncats, mouse in the Kleenex box, Mike Mike, Jake's huntin' buddy, playing the guitar, perfect, doin', The Cow (aka JuJu's Moo Moo), hating corn, throwing corn, can tabs, VW beetle, the carwash, Wal-Mart hunting section, Daddy Don's hunting room, starched Albemarle shirts, target practice, I got just the thing, give me a smack, in the hole...thanks for cleaning my toilet bowl, Dr. Pepper (it deserves to be mentioned twice), ticklish feet, check the fluids, flashlights, looking for blood, scouting for turkeys, Munn Hill, the pipeline stand, camo overalls, Hershey's Kisses

We love you Daddy Don

Mike's Dad, who we all call Daddy Don, died very suddenly and unexpectedly last night. He was only 59 years old and he and Mike's Mom, Judy (better known as JuJu) had been married for over 40 years. He was an amazing, wonderful man that we loved so so much. I can't even begin to tell you what he meant to us and especially to Jake. Daddy Don loved us all so much but he loved his four grandchildren, Jake, Olivia, Emma & Amy more than anything in the world. We are all completely in shock and I ask for your prayers for our family, especially for JuJu, Mike and my sister-in-law Rhonda. His funeral will be Saturday at 2 p.m. It's been such a long day and we are all so exhausted. I will write more in a few days. I have so many things I want the world to know about this great man that we were blessed to have as a father and our children were blessed to have as a grandfather. Please pray for the Munn family as we try to get through this. We know that God's will is perfect and just, but sometimes it's very hard to understand. Now is definitely one of those times. We know he was taken at just the right time, but for us it was far too soon.

Olivia & Kennedy

(with me in November 2006 at the orphanage in Vietnam)

Sometime back I posted a picture that another family sent me before we went to Vietnam of Olivia and her best friend Kennedy. While we were there, we were able to spend lots of time with Kennedy giving her hugs and kisses and letting her know that she had a wonderful family back in the states waiting for her. I am so thrilled to say that Kennedy's Mom is currently in Ninh Thuan and they had their g&r ceremony yesterday. Kennedy is officially theirs! I remember those first days with our new baby quite well, so I'll definitely be praying for them as they adjust to each other. Kennedy was such a sweet girl and smiled all the time. Her Mommy posted on her blog that she is smiling for her as well! That's great news. I hope that you'll be in prayer for her family and the other two families currently in Vietnam. It's a tough trip especially when you leave other family members at home. We can't wait to see Kennedy again and meet her new family. I know Olivia will be thrilled. I'm so happy that they will be able to remain friends way over here on the other side of the world. God is so good! Hurry home Kennedy!

Here are some photos of the orphanage where Olivia lived in Vietnam. It may not look like much, but it is a very special place to us and we will always hold it close to our hearts. If you want to do something to honor Olivia, please pray for the children left behind in Ninh Thuan and other orphanages around the world. Every child in this orphanage deserves a loving Christian home and family. If these children aren't adopted, they may never hear of the love of Jesus Christ. I can't tell you how much that breaks my heart. I was holding Olivia in church Sunday morning as her Daddy preached and I thought about the fact that until she joined our family, she had never been to a church, and had probably never heard the name of Jesus. We take church for granted. We even take Jesus for granted sometimes. We take everything for granted here in the states. I hope these pictures are a reminder to you to pray for the children left behind.

"Bathroom" in Olivia's room

This is a picture of the "bathroom" in Olivia's room at he orphanage. It consists of a squatty potty, which I'm unsure about since the kids actually go on the floor. I still don't get that. It also consists of the tubs you see there where the children are bathed. I don't know how often they get baths, but the children were all clean. Olivia was bathed here just before we met her for the first time.

Olivia's room

This is a picture of the room Olivia shared with about 10 other children. There were four beds in the room. Two of them were pushed together so you can see the corner of those beds and then the other two. They were wood slat beds with a grass mat on them. One of the beds had linoleum on it. There were no pillows, blankets or sheets. Olivia's head is an interesting shape from sleeping only on wood slat beds or the floor her entire life. The tiny infants upstairs sleep in bamboo cribs that can swing from side to side. They are very neat. They also have blankets and pillows. The older babies and children upstairs sleep in wood slat cribs that look about like a pack and play except it's made from wood. They nap on grass mats on the floor though. I'm not sure if there are not enough beds for all of them, or they just lay them on the floor for naps. Olivia's room was very simple. Four beds, some shelves, a desk and chair, a "potty" room and if you notice in the back by the window there is a clothes washing machine. Every room had one and they looked pretty new.

Ninh Thuan Orphanage

This is a picture of the orphanage in Vietnam where Olivia spent most of her life prior to becoming a Munn. The building you see is where about 60 children live ranging from newborn up to about 16 years old. The entire top floor are children under the age of 2 and the rest of the children live downstairs. If you look at the middle of the building, there is a staircase that sort of circles around. Olivia's room was to the left of the staircase. You can see the windows. The orphanage is older but still in good shape for the most part. It was also pretty clean. Of course, if you follow my theory, love grows best in houses that aren't spotless! It's hard to love your children as much as they deserve and still keep a perfectly clean house. I opt to love my children lots and lots and keep a semi-clean house. In Olivia's orphanage, the children were very loved, so I am happy that love and attention for my daughter and the other children took precedence over a spotless room.

Thank you!

I just want to say thank you to those of you who read my last post and left nice comments. When I published it, I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I would get. I felt sure that I would get a few negative comments and I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't! You all have been so kind! Even my big brother (Uncle Joby) who rarely gives compliments! I love him to death, but he's just one of those guys that doesn't compliment, so for him to think it was "awesome" (his words) I am TICKLED PINK! Thanks everyone for not throwing stones at me. When we first adopted Olivia, I felt very alone in the world and thought no one else had ever felt the way I was feeling. I don't want anyone else to ever feel alone like that. That's the only reason I chose to tell the hard parts of our adoption story. If you are an adoptive parent, know that God loves you and your family. If you allow Him to direct your family, he PROMISES that He will make it work. God is just so good like that! If you ever need my prayers, don't be afraid to ask for them. Even though some of us have never met, I am your sister in Christ and that makes us family! I could not have gotten through these last few weeks without the abundance of prayers from my faithful friends, church, and family. I've decided to put my email address on my profile so that if you ever need to talk to email me a prayer request privately you may.

regrets, realizations, resignations, redirection and REJOICING!

I'm going to do something I'm famous for. I'm going to tell you the cold hard truth. This post is mostly for all of you out there reading this who have or will be adopting in the future. Settle in for a long post and please read it through to the end. The rejoicing comes last and it's the best part!

I'll start with regrets. I'm very happy to say that we only have one regret regarding this adoption. If we had it to do over again, we would have taken Jake with us to Vietnam. I will not blame anyone but us for leaving him here, but we were encouraged by essentially everyone to do so - particularly our adoption agency and social worker. I have no doubt that for many or even most families perhaps leaving their other children at home is the best decision, but it wasn't for us. We are a family. We've always been inseparable and this shouldn't have been any different. Jake is a fantastic traveler and we have no doubt that he would have done great on this trip and enjoyed it immensely. We also believe that it would have helped in the first days with Olivia if she had someone her own size to relate to instead of just some big white people (me and Mike) who didn't speak her language. Kids have their own language. We absolutely believe that having Jake there would have helped and not hinder Olivia's attachment. I know without a doubt that it would have made it easier for us to have Jake there and he would have loved it. It was incredibly difficult for me to focus on Olivia because of my incredible - nearly indescribable - sadness over missing Jake. If he had been there it wouldn't have been an issue. Maybe this doesn't make sense to all of you, but if you have a young child at home who has been with you 100% of the time since he was born, you probably get what I'm saying.

Onto realizations. The reality is that I have wanted a daughter for as long as I can remember. I have searched for her for 3 1/2 years and I finally found her in Vietnam. I prayed and prayed for this child and God gave me a beautiful darling little 2 1/2 year old girl. Well, that was the reality that I knew going to Vietnam. The reality I found once we were there was a bit different. I'll never forget the first moment I saw my Olivia. We were on the second floor balcony of her orphanage and she was coming up the stairs to meet us fresh from a bath. She had wet stringy hair and she looked exactly like her pictures except that she was teeny tiny! She was beautiful and everything that I had ever imagined she would be. She came to us and ate Cheerios from our hands. She sat in my lap and let Mike hold her and even fell asleep in his arms. It was like heaven only better because it was right here on earth! She never shed a tear and she wasn't afraid of us. I had read books about adoption and read all of the horror stories and I of course knew from the very beginning that we would have a picture perfect adoption story and here it was coming true!

Olivia was calm and quiet the first two days. We even went to the beach the first afternoon we had her and she wasn't even afraid of the water. She held onto me so tightly and would only sleep if I was holding her. I took these as all good things. We drove from Ninh Thuan to Saigon the day after our g&r. That was an 8 hour drive and Olivia was fine the entire time. She also refused to use the bathroom the entire trip. She held it for 8 hours. Wow. She really is potty trained!

We got to the Kimdo hotel in Saigon and settled in. She was still doing great. Quiet and calm, looking us in the eyes a good bit, but not smiling. Then came the first night there. Olivia was TERRIFIED of the bed. She would scream bloody murder whenever we even sat on it much less try to lay down. Oh my gosh at the screaming. Feel free to ask any of the other families traveling with us that stayed on our floor. Olivia could crack glass with that scream. Then she became TERRIFIED of the hotel room itself. I can't tell you how many hours we spent walking Olivia up and down the 7th floor hall of the Kimdo hotel. The hotel staff certainly knew who we were. We finally got our first smile from Olivia when I threw her up in the air for the first time standing outside the Park Hyatt looking for Brangelina. That was a great great moment. Of course at some point we had to go back to our room. The screaming would begin as we approached room 723.

I want to explain something about the bed situation. When we first saw Olivia in the orphanage one of the things we noticed immediately were the sores on her legs and feet. She had fresh sores, scabs and scars. We weren't sure what they were until a week or so later when we met another American couple who had been living in Saigon for the last 2 1/2 years. They told us they were bed bug bites. That explained a lot. Whenever we would lay Olivia down in the bed (screaming at the top of her lungs) she would kick her feet up and down her calves wildly. We realize now that she was doing what she HAD to do at the orphanage, which was try to keep the bugs off of her so they wouldn't bite her. This absolutely positively breaks my heart. It's a horrible thing to watch. Now that we've been home she's quit doing it entirely. The sores have healed but our pediatrician says that even Mederma won't help the scars. Hopefully they will fade with time. They are a constant reminder to us though to continue to pray for the children left behind. I'll never forget the image of her kicking her tiny little feet as fast as she could and crying her poor little eyes out. I just wish I had understood at the time what was going on. We were so frustrated that she wouldn't lay down in the bed even when she was clearly exhausted. She still wakes up in the night crying but it's becoming less and she lays much more still than she used to. I'm hoping that her memories of the bed bugs will be soon forgotten. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent in the night praying for her as she cries - when she's awake and asleep. Sometimes she cries in her dreams and never even wakes up and on occasion she has full blown night terrors.

The true reality of adopting our daughter was not a picture perfect post card as we had hoped it would be. It was hard. Not sort of hard, REALLY hard. Here comes the part that I'm very hesitant to share, but I feel like I have to if I'm going to be really honest about our adoption. I'm incredibly ashamed of some of the things I felt in the first few days with Olivia. I was missing my sweet, loving, affectionate son terribly and I was stuck in a foreign country with a child who down right hated me and did nothing but scream. I spent a good part of two days sitting on the bathroom floor of the Kimdo hotel crying my eyes out while Olivia cried her eyes out with Mike in the room. I wanted to go home. Here's the hard part. I didn't just want to go home. A big part of me wanted to go home without her. If someone had offered me an out at that point I'm not sure I wouldn't have taken it. I was scared to death. I didn't fall in love with Olivia the moment I saw her. We didn't have this amazing moment when I first met her where I immediately felt like she was my daughter. I certainly didn't feel about her the way I felt about Jake and that made me feel horribly guilty. I was so naive going into this. I truly believed that once I saw her that I would just melt and fall in love and never look back. The reality was that she didn't like me and sadly it made it very difficult to like her either. I thought we had made a huge mistake. What had I done to our family? What had I done to Jake? What had I done to poor innocent Olivia? I can at least say that in the middle of my pathetic pity party I hadn't forgotten about Olivia. I thought I had ruined her life. I had kidnapped her. I had taken her from what she knew to be a happy life. I believe that she was pretty happy at the orphanage. It was all she knew. She was very comfortable with her nanny and playmates. They told me she enjoyed school and loved to sing. Where in the heck was this child they had described to me? I wanted to go home. All I wanted was to go home.

Ok. Here come the resignations. After my two days of crying I realized that I wasn't helping matters and that I needed to suck it up. Mike was miserable because he was stuck with two crying lunatics. My poor husband. He is such a good good man. The fact is that we had adopted a 2 1/2 year old child and this was life. I know how that sounds. It sounds like I'm the worst person in the world. I think that if more adoptive parents told the whole truth, many of them would say they felt the same way I did. I had to resign myself to the fact that we came to Vietnam, we adopted Olivia - screaming and all- and she was our daughter. She was our daughter forever. After I broke down and accepted that, things started to look a little bit better. Olivia started acting happier in large part probably because I started acting happier. I accepted that she was here to stay and my focus became loving her.

Most of you are probably sitting there with yours jaws on the floor right now thinking I'm a horrible, wretched person who didn't deserve to adopt this beautiful child. I felt the same way if that makes you feel any better. I felt like the worst Mom ever. I wanted to love her. I really really really wanted to love her, but I didn't. She was a stranger to me. I hadn't carried her in my tummy. I hadn't nurtured her since her conception. I hadn't held her close to me and breastfed her while she looked up lovingly at me. I was so confused. I thought I was going to feel all these great feelings once Olivia was in my arms, but I didn't really feel anything at all. I felt like I was babysitting a very unhappy child who wanted nothing more than to get as far away from us (and most certainly the hotel room) as possible. Top all of this off with the fact that we were 10,000 miles away from Jake and our home and everything comfortable.

In this midst of my meltdown there was Olivia. A frightened little girl who had been taken from her home to live with people who didn't speak her language, didn't smell or look Vietnamese, and didn't know what in the heck to do with her. I'm not a complete idiot. I have a 4 year old son for heaven's sake. You would think having a 2 1/2 year old would be a piece of cake. Well, it wasn't. We were totally unprepared for her. We were unprepared for this fit throwing, stuff throwing, hitting at us, biting, screaming, crying child. I don't blame anyone for our lack of preparation. I'm not sure we could have been prepared. For the most part, adoption books, adoption agencies and social workers told us to be prepared for a developmentally delayed child because of institutionalization. "Expect her to be like a baby." A baby? Ha! We expected a "delayed, baby like child" and got a defiant, hard headed, stubborn, incredibly smart 2 1/2 year old little girl who was in no way baby like. She is VERY smart. She has been imitating since she first came out of her shell. She will say pretty much anything we ask her to say now and she says lots of words on her own. She has the sweetest little soft voice - especially when she says potty or night night. I love it when she says night night and blows a kiss to Jake as he goes to bed. It just melts my heart.

I started righting this post on December 16th and I had all of these things in my head to write about and it's really funny that I've already forgotten so much of it. God is so good! He is already clouding over the bad memories and helping me to only remember the good ones. I feel terrible about this post. I have gone back and forth about whether or not to put it out there for the world to read. I feel strongly though that I need to be honest about the truths of adoption for those of you who are adopting yourselves, and for those of you who have adopted and felt the same way and thought you were all alone.

Alright. Redirection. Once we got home, I was able to start focusing my attention a bit better. Let me say that I was worried to death about how things would go with Jake and Olivia. Jake is an incredibly sweet boy, but he's also been an only child for 4 years and I was afraid that he might be jealous. If anything, it was the other way around. Olivia wasn't crazy about this other child suddenly taking her Mommy's attention! From the moment they met though, they liked each other. They sat right down and started playing together. That's the only part of this that has actually seemed like the perfect adoption dream I had. They love each other so much. They play all day together and love taking baths together every night. They give kisses and hugs and wake up asking about the other one. They light up when they see each other. It's the absolute sweetest thing in the whole wide world. I could not have asked for my children to be more compatible. They are fantastic together. God still works miracles!

Rejoicing. Yes, there is rejoicing! I saved the best for last. Olivia has been our daughter for over six weeks and we've been home for nearly four weeks. There was a time a couple of weeks ago that I put Olivia down for her nap and she woke up crying. I laid down on the couch with her and she fell back to sleep. I was so exhausted that day. I really needed her to take a good nap so that I could take one, too. I closed my eyes thankful that she had fallen back to sleep. Ah - finally rest for me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at her again and I closed them. I opened them again and closed them again. The third time I opened them and I just looked at her. She was the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen in my entire life. God opened my eyes and for the very first time I saw my daughter. I didn't see My Diem Thi Tran, the little girl we adopted from Vietnam. I saw my DAUGHTER. I saw MY daughter. She was mine. It was in that moment that I claimed her. God had given me this precious gift to care for and on that day He opened my eyes and my heart to her. Things have been very different from that moment.

I'm not going to tell you that things have been perfect since then. That would be a lie. I'm not going to tell you that I feel this amazing perfect Mommy love for her 100% of the time, either. I will tell you that I love Olivia. I LOVE HER. I love her completely and totally and she is my daughter forever and ever and I am completely and totally THRILLED about that. You would have to rip her out of my cold, dead hands to get her away from this Mommy! It's almost impossible now for me to believe that I ever felt differently, but I did and I felt like I needed to tell the truth about that.

One of the things that helped with how I felt about Olivia was when I quit comparing her to Jake. In another of my posts I wrote about how I felt the spirit leading me to pray that I would love Olivia as God loves her. I had been praying to love her as much as I love Jake and that was the wrong thing to pray for. I have spent the last 4 years with Jake plus the nine months I carried him in my tummy. I don't really think it would be possible to love a child that much, adopted or biological, after knowing them only 6 weeks. Adopting a toddler, particularly an older toddler like Olivia, is tough. Truthfully, sometimes is downright sucks. Most of the time though, it's absolutely wonderful. We have had more fun in the last couple of weeks than I could have ever imagined possible with two wild kids! This house is more fun than ever and we are so incredibly grateful that God saw fit to allow this very unworthy family to adopt this very worthy little girl. She is funny, sweet, drop dead gorgeous, happy, sad, hopeful, loud, quiet, and mostly - she is ours. She may not be perfect (just as we aren't), but she's perfect for us.

It is still hard sometimes, but as I type, Olivia and Jake are sitting on the floor together playing a game and laughing. We definitely have way more good times than bad. We're still adjusting and getting used to each other, but we're so happy that God led us to adopt, and especially that God led us to adopt this beautiful child. 5 weeks ago I would have told you to run screaming from a toddler available for adoption, but once you get over that first mountain, it's all worth it in the end. Olivia is amazing. I keep thinking of the word delightful. That sounds like something an 80 year old woman would say, but that's what she is. She makes us smile. All of us. She makes us complete. We absolutely positively can't imagine life without her. THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MIRACLE OF OLIVIA. She makes us - well us. As I always say, and it's always true - we are so blessed. Those are the truths of our adoption. They aren't all pretty, but they're all true. I've said it before, adoption isn't for the weak at heart. Adoption is for families led by God because I firmly believe the only way you'll get through it is with Him.

Ephesians 1:11 says

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.

Mike and I were destined to be married. We were destined to lose a child through miscarriage and then give birth to a beautiful little boy we named Jake. We were destined to adopt a precious little girl born on the other side of the earth and bring her home to be a part of our family. I am so grateful that God is in charge of our destinies! What a mess we would be in if we were in charge of our own. Everything is working out perfectly according to His will. We've put our family in His strong hands and He has made us whole. Thank you God.